you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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