Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
