...so i touched it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
