I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
