I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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