I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
