at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
