Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize