Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
