speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
