Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
