____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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