i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
