Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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