I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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