I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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