3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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