well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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