No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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