i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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