i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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