Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
