Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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