none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
