i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
