Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
