Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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