The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
