apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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