Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
