We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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