The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
