I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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