I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
