This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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