Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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