Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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