I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
