I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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