There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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