ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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