just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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