a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
