I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
