We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
