Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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