kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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