My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
