i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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