I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
