Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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