someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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