I'm going to jail i love you
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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