U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My dad is sitting where you rode me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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