hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
