I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
