You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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