I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
