She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize