I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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