No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
