how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize