I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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