Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
