I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
