You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
