Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
