I wish they made helmets for livers.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
